Huh… I just found this while browsing some of my saving writings and found it amusing. It amuses me. I honestly have no idea if this would be considered good writing or not. I just simply don’t know. Whatever it is, it’s amusing. I think this was one of those brief things assigned in an English class, probably my first year in college. The assignment I believe was just one of those brief ones, and the title of the assignment was “Arguing for a change.” I can’t even remember the point of the assignment. Maybe it was to show we can properly use cite references (probably debatable whether I learned that one)? Maybe it was an exercise in written argument? I don’t know. But whatever I was supposed to do, I wrote it in pirateese.
Petition o’ Riley Harper, first mate to th’ late Henry Morgan
Here me o lubbers under yer English Ensign on this early September day in the year sixteen hundred eighty-nine. We be puttin’ up our jolly roger as ye read this, and our six pounders be stuffed. Our brotherhood be waitin’ in the shadows o’ Jamaica surroundin’ yer stolen colonies on all sides. [1][2]
Me mates are not likin’ thar ways yer hulks be treatin’ us buccaneers. We be havin’ a hard enough time makin’ a livin fer our sailin’ fam’ly wit’ measles and water sickness runnin’ about. Wit’ our black jacks always low and our food stuffs crawlin’ wit maggots, we be thinking a change is needed.[4]
Too oft do yer mercenaries and Royal Navy plague our ships and tatter our sails with their shot. Our vessels are hard to man since ye’ve fitted so many to their chains. Yer hempen halter has danced with too many o’ our mates and all waters from our Spanish Main to ye Barbary Coast are infuriated. The wrath of Davy Jones shall swallow ye whole within one fortnight. When the first star of tha’ night be seen, then we’ll scuttle th’ last jack in yer navy and wrap in it every tar that bares yer ensign. [3]
Our demands be not unreasonable hearties, and with a handsome reply, even Jack Ketch might be our mate.
Firstly, ye must grant us each a letter of Marque and under yer King’s oath, and hand us none o’ yer hornswaggle. The letters shall be honored or ye’ll have no hope o’ a raft from yer Plate Fleets makin’ their way back to Europe.
Pass amongst all sailors, the sanction to carry at least one hogshead of ale or rum for every three lads that sail. This rule will promise that no boat will be left without healthy drink. It will be safe for yer sailors and will satisfy me bibbing crew and the rest of our brethren. I also suggest a large amount of clean food be carried amongst every sailin’ ship that they may feed their own crew for a month.
Yer guns have caused many vessels issue, and we require compensation. Forget not that our guns more than double yer own on this hour. To make up fo’ the holes in our sterns and tears in our sails, we demand a payload of 218,750 doubloons every watch o’ the year. If one reale be missing, I can assure ye that ye’ll learn to like the keelhaul. [5]
The seas are rough on the bones of my mates and on others. It would be a fair thing to begin tradin’ yer medicines with colonies. If ye wish not to trade through sea, we will take a sizable load o’ salves and ‘lixers at the time of our doubloons, and we will then overlook yer selfish desire to keep the healthy among only yerselves.
Also, we know that yer colonies and prisons can be crowded, so we shall do ye a favor. To assist in easing the burden of feeding all yer citizens, we will take a count of seven men as slaves and five wenches delivered when our doubloons are due.
Finally, we demand that ye return tha humble home of Port Royale. Ye’ve taken it from the Spanish, the rightly owners o’ tha port, and it will be returned to them or us.
If’n ye meet our humble requests, then I assure you that we be keepin’ good relations. You will see us to be honorable men of our word and not one small pink in your local waters shall be plundered. A full two score o’ me vessels be keeping the stomachs of our six pounders full, and another score be sailin’ to join our cause. An answer is expected in a fortnight.
[1] Terminology and slang used is referenced from http://homepage.mac.com/crabola/PirateGlossary/Menu22.html
[2] “Riley Harper” is a fictitious name, though Henry Morgan is a factual pirate. http://piratematty.wordpress.com/2008/03/29/pirate-history-famous-carribean-pirates/. His exactly time of death is uncertain, but it is known that he made home in Jamaica. It is supposed by some that when he did, he was made lieutenant governor of Port Royal. It is not known for sure if this happened.
[3] http://piratematty.wordpress.com/2008/03/29/pirate-history-the-end-of-an-era/
[4] Typical difficulties faced by a pirate referenced http://piratematty.wordpress.com/2008/03/29/pirate-history-the-early-17th-century-1600-1660/
[5] http://blindkat.hegewisch.net/pirates/money.html Given price based upon best currency estimates found and also based upon the relatively modern 3.5 million US dollar price of building a sailing ship. The New Amistad proposal project is used as a reference based on the numerical offerings here http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9801EED61139F93AA35754C0A9669C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1
Other references include:
http://www.cindyvallar.com/friendsenemies.html
http://www.cindyvallar.com/modern1.html
http://sea-thieves.com/education_pages/seathieves_edu_pirate-life2.htm